Part of it is that I have nothing to do but wait. I don't have a job, or school. The weather has finally turned from ice to mud, so I can go for a walk without fear of falling, but that was only today. Leaving the house involves finding clothes that actually cover my belly, and preferably the belly panel in my borrowed maternity pants. The last has become negotiable. I miss my clothes and feeling attractive and put together.
Part of it is that none of this makes any sense to me. I've been told for the last 4 weeks that this kid is coming any second. So you'd think some helpful nudging would at least cause progress, instead of four weeks of nothing. I can't do anything. And neither can anybody else. I'm starting to feel like there is something seriously wrong with me if she's been on the brink of birth for four weeks and nothing is happening. And I haven't had anything I would consider pre-labor or a noticeable contraction. I feel defective.
Part of it is that I'm beginning to feel like a hostage. It's like a form of claustrophobia--I'm stuck in this fat persons body and I can't tie my own damn shoes or roll over in bed without severe pain.
Part of it is the pain. Not from contractions or anything resembling progress, from having this giant baby's head firmly planted on my cervix. My 30 minute walk today meant three hours of laying down (granted, part was a nap), followed by heat. And, yes, I know, walking supposedly helps induce labor. By getting the head into place. It's at a 0 station. I doubt it's getting lower. I feel like this kid has gotten gigantic and is going to split me in half. My hips have gotten wider in the last week (I can tell from how my clothes are fitting). I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to move without aching or just not moving at all.
And, my personal favorite and the biggest reason I currently have for not getting pregnant again, is that nobody talks to me about anything else. I don't get phone calls unless someone's asking if I'm in labor or still pregnant. The only texts I get are "Have you had the baby?" I officially feel like a farm animal. One of my best friend's is moving to AZ on Friday, and I practically had to beg to meet her for coffee so I could see her before she leaves. She figured I'd be too pregnant to want to see her.
Yes, I am exhausted and yes, I'm feeling a tad sorry for myself. The internet, with it's wide range of 'information' has nothing about extended pregnancy causing depression. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting pretty close. Tomorrow is the midwife appointment we made two weeks ago expecting to have a baby before hand. Friday is another round of acupuncture. And Monday is another doctor appointment. That she doesn't expect me to keep. I expect she's going to be surprised.