Let's talk about my OCD

Because I do, actually, kind of have it. Some friends were here playing board games over the weekend watched me repeatedly organize the dice into numerical order (with the sides facing me also in numerical order) after each use and asked me about it. Nope, it's really there. It's mild, but it exists.

So, from some websites, OCD traits and my (minor) version of them.
The symptoms of OCD, which are the obsessions and compulsions, may vary. Common obsessions include:

• Fear of dirt or contamination by germs. - No to dirt, but occasionally the germ thing. I resist excessively acting on it and squash it for the most part.
• Fear of causing harm to another. - No
• Fear of making a mistake. - Yes
• Fear of being embarrassed or behaving in a socially unacceptable manner. - Yes. Part of my love of clothes and being dressed properly stems from this.
• Fear of thinking evil or sinful thoughts. - No
• Need for order, symmetry, or exactness. - YES. I like asymmetry in art and fashion, but not in life.
• Excessive doubt and the need for constant reassurance. -Yes, particularly in social situations where I don't know many people. I usually avoid the situations, but sometimes I have to go.

Common compulsions include:

• Repeatedly bathing, showering, or washing hands. - No
• Refusing to shake hands or touch doorknobs. -No
• Repeatedly checking things, such as locks or stoves. - No, but out of sheer force of will. I don't let myself engage in it. I refuse to drive home and make sure I closed the garage door just because I forgot to look as I drove away.
• Constant counting, mentally or aloud, while performing routine tasks. - Sometimes
• Constantly arranging things in a certain way. -Yes
• Eating foods in a specific order. - No
• Being stuck on words, images or thoughts, usually disturbing, that won't go away and can interfere with sleep. -YES
• Repeating specific words, phrases, or prayers. -Yes, particularly during times of heightened anxiety or stress.
• Needing to perform tasks a certain number of times. -No
• Collecting or hoarding items with no apparent value. - Yes

Getting stuck on disturbing images is a big one for me. I'll get violent scenarios stuck in my head during certain activities. Each activity has it's own scenario. For instance, I can't walk down a flight of stairs without a vision of falling and breaking my ankle, so I am always extra mindful on stairs. Every time I drive on a certain stretch of highway I envision my foot sticking out of the car and my toes grinding off on the highway. There's literally no chance of that happening, and I don't know where it comes from, and I shake it off, but I see it every time.

Other little things: my vitamin serving is two, and they have to be the same color, but I will only take Tums that are all different colors. I'll take what I'm handed, but I notice, and prefer it the other way. My clothes have to face a certain direction in my closet, but that just might be good organization. My husband could probably tell you more that I don't even realize.

I don't insist the dishwasher be loaded in an exact way. I don't engage (or need to resist the urge to engage) in repetitive behaviors. Right now it's quirky and I've been aware of it for years. I often wonder what it is that tips people over that edge. Trauma? Loss of control? I put a lot of effort into not being controlling about things (it's anybody's guess if I succeed) like where the dishes get put away and how messy the living room is. I think it's a slippery slope. If I indulged in that, it could get unmanageable.

When Rory was born I put a LOT of effort into banishing the violent images, because I had one every time I heard her cry from a different room. My refusal to be a helicopter parent played into my choices to walk, not run, to her room, to let Ryan parent without me checking in on them. If she was crying and Ryan went in and she stopped, I would envision him smothering her with a pillow. That never happened, I knew it wouldn't, and I had to not indulge in that nonsense. It took a lot of mental energy, but it was important.

People occasionally reference my OCD as a joke, but, no it's there. In high school my brother went through my cd collection once and rotated the CDs so the tops weren't at the top anymore. I sat down immediately and fixed it. It's hard to say if it's gotten better or worse since then. I think it's about the same, but has morphed into different areas.