So.... it's a boy....

I am having a much harder time adjusting to the idea of having a son than I thought I would. Since I was pretty sure we were having a boy before we confirmed it, you'd think I'd be used to the idea.

And of course, that came round full circle to feeling like a horrible parent for having issues with it. And that he can sense me having issues, and I'm fueling his future disenchantment, and on and on.

I just didn't realize that my excitement for girls would be balanced by an equal and opposite foreboding about having a boy. But I think I've located the root of my problem.

Due to pretty much every male who was a major contributor to my life, I have zero expectations of men, and I always have (ask my friends in high school about ever trying to date anyone. In most cases, I was right, the guys they picked sucked). I entered my relationship with Ryan having no expectations and no plans to make it a long term thing. Men in my life have always come and go, and their attentions and allegiances have always been fickle. Most have not shown any exceptional interest in anything at all, never mind responsibilities. 

Ryan was a big surprise. He's managed to positively surprise me, repeatedly. He's ambitious and devoted to supporting his family in all the ways you can imagine. He's always on my team, he's never traded me in, even briefly, to give into a habit or urge or easier solution.

But he's the only one.

It was easy to get excited about Rory. I know how to bond with her. It's easy to expect her to be successful and hardworking and educated, I've seen many women be those things. With Rory it was easy - no princess stuff, powerful strong messages. You can do anything.

With this kid, I don't know. Because I don't want a boy that thinks he can do anything. I think men thinking they can do anything is what causes half the problems in the world. There's no boundaries, no respect, no thoughtfulness. I feel like boys/men need to be told "you can do anything as long as you are fulfilling your responsibilities and not impeding on somebody else's happiness." I feel like girls/women are raised with heavy duty to those responsibilities and other people's happiness without hammering it in.

I am already irritated by the trucks and footballs on boy baby clothes. But I don't know what I want instead. How about thoughtful messages? What would I do for a boy besides trucks and footballs? Maybe music. Honestly, I'm leaning towards all penguins again.

I don't like rough and tumble. I don't like toilet humor. I don't like noise. I can't think of a single thing we might have in common. Maybe he'll like to read. I briefly considered just raising the kid as a girl. Then I wouldn't have to buy anything.

Ryan pointed out that this kid will be related to him, also. And will have a much better male role model than any of the men in my life did. And I think that's more important for the kid than my presence is. The men in my life had strong women all around them. It didn't do much good.

Maybe that's why it's scary. I know I could do a great job with Rory on my own. If something ever happens to Ryan, though, this kid is up a creek.

Hopefully some chatting with my therapist this week will help me get a better handle on it. I feel terrible for being so apprehensive.