And again.

Trying to get out of this depression. Still.

Let's recap.

In September we dealt with a major marital blow. Easily the worst thing we've ever faced. And we did deal with it, but it was exhausting in every sense of the word, and while things don't feel as fragile as they did, things aren't all the way back. I don't expect things to be the way they were, which is for the best, because this has been a catalyst to a lot of important work we needed to do. But I think we still have things we're getting a handle on.

In November the body of a seven year old boy was fed to pigs, and I was tasked with speaking to a convicted pedophile about glorifying his junkie, severely abusive father on television. Between my marriage and the emotionally grueling side of my job, I was barely functional. I came home and quilted and didn't talk to anyone. I needed to choose the necessary, and so I gave notice.

In December I left my job. And I got through the holidays and had a nice time with the family, even if I was frazzled and distracted.

In January everything came from a screeching halt. The distracting activity of the holidays stopped, and I had to deal with the fact that I was unemployed. Again. As usual. And it came up. An acquaintance at a dinner party mocked me for lasting six months. My friends swooped in, but it was humiliating.

In February my extended family dealt with some big changes that didn't directly concern me, but were very triggering and brought up a new perspective I needed to deal with. And I still am. I had a misunderstanding with a friend, and I tried to fix it, but didn't really succeed.

I don't remember March and February.  Or much of April. I didn't do much with Andrew, we just spent most of our time at home and picked up Rory from school. We did ballet and girl scouts and all the things.

The last time I remember feeling like myself was my birthday. Since then, I've let my hair grow into this horrible mostly gray color, and I've put on 10-15 lbs. I feel gross, I hate going out because I never look right, and I don't have much to do anyway.  When I finally got around to getting my contacts replaced I had a major allergic reaction and leaving the house was embarrassing. I've completely dropped off the earth socially. I do quilt guild with people I don't know and I'm still doing yoga training, also with people I don't know. And I don't put much effort into getting to know them.

I recently found the journal I kept during my first trip overseas.  I was astonished to recognize myself so much, that girl from 12 years ago. I think of myself as so different, because my religious beliefs changed, but it turns out I've always been introverted. I hate sharing things that are important to me because I don't want them dirtied by other people. I wrote "It's a good thing I never let myself do anything, because I would be an easy seduction." And I still don't let myself do anything, because I am so terrified of doing irreparable harm.

I feel like a lost cause, like it's too late to be the person I thought I would. Like my career will never happen. Like traveling will only be in retirement and to full service resorts. My only course of action is to be a great parent, and hope for lots of fulfillment from it (even though that's just not the case for me. It's fucking groundhog day. I haven't done laundry in a week because I just couldn't fucking stand it anymore). I am not a person who gets to be great. Which is a waking nightmare, because my biggest fear has always been mediocrity.

So, I'm trying to yank myself out. Again. Still. Maybe forever. My therapist wants me to find a creative outlet, but I can't bring myself to create anything. I don't have much to say. It all feels like spewing negativity into the world, which I don't want to be responsible for. I've been thinking a lot about the last time life was good. I had a part-time job, I went out with my friends a couple times a week, I planned things.

And right now, that's the plan. I've been waiting 6 weeks to get into my stylist to get this horrible hair fixed so I have the chance of feeling attractive again. I bought tickets to activities for the kids, scheduled some brunches at my house, and committed to going to NOLA with a friend in November. I'm planning a drive to New England this summer with stops at Niagara Falls and the Smithsonian. I applied for a position as a part-time comm manager and a part-time comm instructor. I try to take Andrew hiking or walking a few times a week in an effort to get some of this weight off.  We'll see what happens.

My tiny charge is demanding more cereal, and patiently making choo-choo noises while he waits, so I'm going to help a monkey out.